Today I turned an amazing corner, thanks to the help of a TV personality I’ve never seen or heard of before (later discovered to be Elyse Luray). What she allowed me to do for myself today is incredible. I’m writing now to make note of this essential moment in my life.
Basically, today I completed some sort of journey that I have been on from crossdresser to transgendered. And it all happened in my mind.
The day started with me dressing in some female undergarments, then assembling a plan to go out into the world and do a little exploration, perhaps even wearing one of my new more ambiguous (from a distance; but definitely feminine up close) outfits.
I’ve noticed lately that my mind works a little differently when I’m wearing women’s clothing. Recently I’ve become able to consciously release my maleness, allowing me to process experiences — at least a little bit — in a different way. It’s a little presumptuous to think this, but it feels like I could be processing things like a woman might.
Well, I had the TV on, and was watching out of the corner of my eye a talk show where she was talking seriously about something she knew very well — while wearing a beautiful black dress, hoopy earrings, flouncy hair, and tons of little feminine details.
At first, I thought that her clothing and accessories didn’t look very practical, almost a hindrance to what she was doing. But then something suddenly shifted and I found myself seeing from her perspective. It was very different from my usual — i.e. male — perspective, and it was like a light switch had flipped on.
I realized that she was dressed to express who she is. Being an expert was one thing, but it was easier for her to be that expert when she felt comfortable projecting her true self into the world, and wrapping it around what she loves and knows. What’s more, projecting her true self was obviously more important than any practical considerations — and why shouldn’t it be? Having her outside appearance match her inside identity is worth whatever it costs.
This was a revelation!
It was, in fact, the direct opposite of crossdressing, in which the act of putting on the clothing is an attempt to feel what a woman feels — albeit from the outside in. The act of crossdressing is about creating an exterior feminine persona in the hopes that the inner will follow. In this case, it worked! — and well enough that a line has been crossed which cannot be uncrossed.
Most importantly, I didn’t just figure this out intellectually, I actually felt it. I felt my own inner woman say “Yes! Finally!” and it was as if the female clothing I was wearing simply melted into me. It was no longer a costume, or a wish, or a tool, or a hope, or a provocation. In that moment, the clothing was transformed into an expression of who I really am on the inside — the true inner me expressed by choice of clothing.
This was the most amazing feeling in the world, and I not only hoped it would last forever, but I realized that just feeling it once changes everything.
It was the culmination of everything I’ve been going through, from getting rid of the ridiculous tranny clothes, to buying more practical (and boring) items, to actually wearing them again (after a long layoff) and resolving to take my experimentation out into the world.
Now I actually had the inner framework on which to build a real womanhood, one which has been in waiting for so long and just will not wait anymore.
As I continued to watch, bathing in this ecstatic mental state, I began to see this woman in a way I’ve never seen a woman before – as a fellow woman.
She was strong, but willing to expend the energy to look beautiful, which actually made her stronger. Through her choice of wardrobe, she was actually being vulnerable even through her strength, by revealing herself. She was saying that her emotional availability, as expressed by her clothing, was yet another source of strength. She seemed to have confidence and great psychic comfort from wearing clothes that may not have been physically comfortable, but pulled her inner self to the surface. In fact, the physical comfort level was completely irrelevant. The appearance seemed to make her more of who she is. It appears to be a virtuous circle: she’s a woman inside, so she’s a woman outside, which makes her MORE of a woman inside, which leads to more womanhood visible on the outside.
And, most surprisingly, I understood this because I was actually feeling it – truly living it – myself at the very same moment.
In that moment, I felt my gender change — deeply, if only momentarily. I caught what I think is a real glimpse of being wholly female, and it was wonderful.
With that little experience and revelation in my mind as I strolled around the world in my new wardrobe (ambiguous from a distance, undeniably feminine up close), I found myself wishing I had a nice wig, some make-up, a little jewelry, and could actually REALLY BE a girl in that relatively safe context, with an eye toward letting it expand onward to other contexts — and maybe, just maybe, forever.
Now I’m coming to wish that I’d had these deep realizations when seeing my old therapist in 1990, or when I first experimented with transition in 1994. I could have been over 10 years post-op at this point.
Now I’m out of all my girl clothes, with everything packed away again. But guess what? I’m still a girl! I’m not sure how long until this feeling wears off, but it’s pretty amazing… Even in boy clothes, I still feel female inside.
In total, I was dressed as a woman for about five and a half hours today, over four of those spent in public.
The feeling of transformative delirium did eventually fade, but was easily revived by completing this documentation. It may be permanent, which is a little scary, and a lot exciting. I’ve always had a feminine aspect, but I think that now I know a great deal more of what that means, and who I really am.
It makes me wonder if I have now turned a corner. I’m wondering if I now have the right mental state for actually pursuing complete transformation. I would do it to be rid of the male ego and competitiveness that testosterone yields, to be able to appreciate the world around me more thoroughly, to feel free to experience my emotions more deeply and express them more freely. And I would do it for the clothes — definitely at least partly for the clothes.
Today I also realized that underdressing really has a measurable impact on my ability to understand the feminine aura. It very definitely changes my perspective, almost making it possible to see femininity from the inside.