But how could I be transsexual when I’ve never had any of the classic conditions?
- I’ve never felt “like a woman trapped in a man’s body.” I’ve always felt just like me in my own body.
- I’ve never felt like I couldn’t go on living without transition. I’ve never had a suicidal thought.
- I’ve never felt disdain or hatred for my genitals. They are the center of neither my masculinity nor my femininity.
- I wasn’t overly effeminate as a child. I was shy around both boys and girls (though I admit to always having been significantly more comfortable around girls).
- I’ve never been sexually attracted to another man. When I’ve had fantasies involving sexual relations with men (more and more common over time), they are always faceless and non-distinct (or transgendered, in which case the details of their appearance matter very much).
I’ve always held that any transgender thoughts I may have are just fantasy, and should remain such. And that’s not really out of a fear of transition, but more out of a lack of necessity, especially immediately after orgasm.
In macro, my progression had been like this:
Age 5: Curiosity about pantyhose, which led to my earliest crossdressing.
Age 13: Curiosity about other feminine clothing and a recognition of the mystique which led, at about age 14, to my first full-body dressing and my first experiences of just staying in the clothes without arousal. Also, I began experimenting with appearing in public while dressed (such as putting on a dress and then running to the mailbox at the end of our long driveway).
Age 20: Need to build my own wardrobe, need to dress and travel (apartment hallways, stairs, freeway bridge and park), first attempts at little feminization mind games.
Age 25: First coming out to family, extended experiments with make-up, full dressing, travel (mostly in car), staying dressed. First leg-shaving and fingernail/toenail painting.
Age 26: First exposure to she-male porn. My initial reaction was negative, but ultimately I was able to find an entry point. First fantasies about giving oral and being in a female role sexually (faceless, formless partners only).
Age 31: Increasing of my extended activity, including a full week of underdressing, two weeks shaving legs (and moisturizing), extended public trips (night only). First gender identity crisis when I made an attempt to force the issue by swapping wardrobes. (Didn’t last even 48 hours.)
Age 33: Increased BDSM fantasies and first experiments with self-bondage. Substantial decrease in pleasure from dressing, but increase in fantasies about being in a female role socially. First contact with another transwoman socially.
“Another”? Oh, boy…er…girl. (More to come…)