On the one hand, I sometimes think most things in life are genderless. Does it matter whether I am male or female when I’m typing? Eating? Thinking?
Which leads to the other hand, in which I think that pretty much everything in life is gender-filled. My gender affects what I type and what I eat and what I think (or, more importantly, feel).
As such, the question may become, “How does my outward physical status affect the expression of my internal gender?”
This is where the bane of testosterone comes in. My waking life is filled with sexual thoughts. I do find this pleasurable, but that’s the problem. The pleasure is seductive and I know beyond any doubt that these thoughts are a massive barrier to being present in my own life. I constantly have to disguise sexual thoughts, and act as if I don’t have them.
My preference would actually be to not have them at all. That would be immensely freeing because then I would be able to relate to the world as just who I am, rather than a facade of who I wish I were.
I am already (I think) a gentle person. But that’s only because I fight against the less-gentle instincts which throb throughout me all the time. It’s a tiring battle.
But the difference between me and many other transsexuals is that I’ve actually found a way to be functional as a man. For me, it’s not transition or death (as it is for some).
Thus, completing my transition (which has already begun) is not about survival, but about release and enhancement and entering into life more fully.
I could go on like I am just fine, but if there is a better option, why not pursue it?
Next comes the calculation of whether the cost of that road offsets the benefits. There’s really no way to know that until, gulp, giving it a serious try.
This is what I need to fully understand, fully accept, and communicate.
It’s not that I need to become a woman. I already am a woman, albeit one who just happens to be suppressed most of the time by masculine instincts and actions brought about by testosterone and a lifetime of conditioning and making accommodations.
The real need, therefore, is to find out if physical transition and its corresponding costs are better or worse or just different. I do not set foot on the road knowing the destination (or do I?), but merely to take each step and then decide whether to take the next one.