Appearances

Last night, after getting ready for a meeting, my spouse took one look at me and uttered that classic phrase, “That’s what you’re wearing?”

What makes this noteworthy is that I can count on one hand the number of times she’s said that or anything like it over the past decade. It’s just not in her typical vocabulary. In fact, if she thinks at all about what I wear, she seldom shows any sign of it.

And she was right. My jeans and sweatshirt were definitely not the best choice for this particular occasion. I changed. But the thought of changing, of even having to give my clothing/appearance a second thought, sort of made my stomach sink. It feels like wasted energy.

And that’s when I had a full-on flash of one big ramification of changing genders: Appearance will matter. And not just a little, or every once in a while. All the time, and a lot.

Do I want that? Can I handle it?In the recent past I’ve updated my feminine wardrobe, continuing the process of dumping anything that looks too “tranny” or even just not very good on me. I’ve started to define what I think “looks good on me” means in the context of gender transition and eventual womanhood. I’ve purchased only clothing that I’d be willing to wear (some of which I’ve now actually worn) in public.

I have not yet crossed the line into make-up or hair or skin care or tweezing or shaving. It’s been years since I last made up my face (though I was pretty good at it back in the day), and the wigs I have are pretty outdated and no longer age-appropriate.

Eventually, these elements will have to be addressed, along with jewelry and other accessories.

And while it all does sound like fun, it requires setting aside that long-established and genuine disdain I have for vanity. If the world is to judge me, which it certainly will, I prefer that it be on what I can do and have done, not how I look while doing it. Such pressures aren’t really welcome.

What’s more, though I do possess a certain vague familiarity with some of the pressures women face regarding appearance (which appear to be, at least in part, amplifications of the same ones men face — optionally, of course), I’m quite sure the scale and scope is beyond my current understanding. And the pressures on transwomen exceed even those of cis women.

I’ve already felt the need to have variety in what I wear and avoid repeating the same outfits over and over. I’ve started to understand the need to stay up to date and be rid of older fashions. I’m becoming more sensitive to color choices, and especially collar choices. I bring a tape measure when I shop for women’s clothing and always measure hem and sleeve lengths. I can imagine the need for a much larger closet. I already own four times as many pairs of women’s shoes as men’s shoes…

But I’ve also already felt my heart sink when I catch a glimpse of myself in an elevator mirror and realize how unlikely it is that I could ever be passable. (“What’s up with that bald, middle-aged man in the nice top and black slacks?”) I’m suddenly feeling the urge to judge myself based on appearance, which is very foreign. It makes me wonder if transition is even more Sisyphean than I’ve previously imagined.

And yet I’m quick to remember that transition is largely (primarily?) internal, and that I have always tried to avoid defining myself by how the world views me, be it for physical appearance or what I do. That disconnect may be harder to maintain as a transwoman, but it may be even more important. The world judges the appearance of women much more harshly than it does men, and transwomen face an even higher (weirder?) standard. Seeing beyond the physical will actually get harder than it already is. Establishing what I’m comfortable with for myself, and refusing to let such external pressures define my self-worth is a big part of a successful transition.

But the practicality still concerns me. Can I give that much of my energy to my appearance? It would be a very large shift from how I do things now as a man. People who know me would be shocked if I just started showing up in nicer men’s clothing — say, polo shirts and tan slacks (my standard church outfit). I’m pretty much a sweatshirt/t-shirt and jeans kind of guy.

As a woman, I cannot accept my own indifference to my appearance. It will have to be a higher priority. Hopefully, it’s not an unbearable burden. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s exactly what I need.

For now, it is yet another unknown.

Logic, or…

I’ve written before about my tendency to overthink things (likely obvious to anyone reading more than a little bit here), along with a certain tendency to favor strict logic over any emotional distractions when it comes to making all sorts of decisions. Sometimes (like when it concerns transgender issues) I feel completely helpless because logic just doesn’t work.

I’ve also expressed that, were I to transition, I would largely rely on the HRT regimen to work its magic on me internally, and let the external flow from that. In my best case scenario I would be free of what feels largely like a male overlay on my inner nature.

Then I read this (by Joules at Susans.org in a thread called “Question for those on HRT”) and feel a deep nervousness because it appears to confirm the possibilities I’m imagining, suggesting that they may even be better than I’d ever hoped:

“I noticed the changes in my thought processes immediately. My first impression was that I was becoming more alert to the world around me, but then I realized it was an expansion of my emotional processing that gave greater depth to my experiences.

“It has been very rewarding to enjoy making female decisions (which my brain is likely better suited to all along). On T for so long, my decisions were based on rigorous logic, which often left me hung up and undecided. With E as my predominant hormone, my decisions follow what I like to call ‘fuzzy’ logic. That’s not an insult to the female thought process, rather it is an alternative computing style based on analog inputs. My decisions tend to happen almost without my consent sometimes, although I’m getting better at staying involved all the time. When I slow down a decision that went flying by, I often find the outcome is solid and reasonable.”

My reaction? In a trying-not-to-think-too-much summation: This outcome is undeniably desirable.

Revisiting the Timeline

When I started seriously considering pursuing transition, I sketched a timeline just to see what it might look like. The first draft wasn’t very detailed or realistic, despite that fact that I’d followed many other transitions on the web (God bless YouTube and Susans.org).

It mainly consisted of large periods of time labeled “deep introspection”, “cooling off”, “conversation” and “movement”. All of the logistical steps were grouped into that final category with dates assigned just based on typical progressions I’d heard described.

I’ve revised this timeline over and over as dates and circumstances have come and gone, and steps have even been either completed, redefined, or pushed out. The broad categories have all been replaced by specific milestones, most of which weren’t even identified in that first draft. But since they actually happened, I recorded them to help me keep my bearings.

I’m still not sure that what I’ve got is actually realistic, but it is intended simply to create and maintain motion by always identifying the current and next step. At any point I could simply not take the next step and transition will be on hold. Conversely, I can take the step and it continues. By simply identifying them, my deliberations are focused, and that serves a purpose even if nothing ever happens again.

And I’m mindful of that fact that each of these steps also contains numerous sub-steps which are not enumerated. But here’s what I’ve got right now (completed items linked to what I wrote at the time):

Completed Items

1. Shift from crossdresser to transgendered identity (February 2011)

2. Real-Life testing (January 2012)

3. Out to myself (May/June 2012)

4. Important conversations (December 2012, not documented here)

5. Therapy begins (February 2013)

Remaining Items

1. Consensus to proceed (Pending)

2. Hormone replacement therapy begins (2014, pending weight loss)

3. Coming out (2014)

4. Full-time/Legal (2015)

5. Orchiectomy (2015, if anti-androgen side effects dictate)

6. Gender reassignment surgery (2016, pending finances and approvals)

7. Recovery (2017)

Basically, once “consensus” has been reached (if ever), then the steps are pretty clear. Those timings are all pretty flexible, but they do represent my personal goals should I ever get to that point. Basically, I do not want to be in transition forever, nor do I want to stall somewhere in the middle. Once I’ve committed, then seeing it through requires a measured timetable.

But “consensus” is far from guaranteed. It starts with me, and the full acceptance of what I need to do for my own contentment in the remainder of my life. It’s possible that I will discover that further transition is not necessary, and will abandon these further steps. I could live with that, and accept it as a very real possibility.

Additional “consensus” must come from my therapist, who would have to make recommendations and referrals. I don’t just assume this will happen, and allow that she may put the brakes on at some point. Given that I trust her judgment based on her experience, I could also live with this outcome. Having the outside observer really is essential as a double-check, and I do not take that lightly.

But the critical element of “consensus” beyond these two would be my spouse, and this is far from guaranteed. Basically, without her agreement, I could not take another step. For the sake of our life together and our children, and with the acknowledgment that I am functional as a man, I am unwilling to prioritize transition ahead of my commitment to my family.

Early signs are that she is unlikely to ever be comfortable with this process, so I am realizing that this most critical portion of “consensus” may never come. But I believe I am also prepared for this possibility, and willing to accept it.

Given that I’ve identified three distinct elements of “consensus” and none of them are in place yet, it’s hard to get too worked up over the possibility that any one of them will not come through. I remain committed to trying to understand my own feelings and identity, and putting that knowledge to use in my life, whatever is discerned about my gender identity issues.

POV

Every writer knows that point-of-view decisions are among the most significant that will be made in any writing project. This goes for fiction or non-fiction, and pretty much any genre. It goes way beyond the fundamental “first person” or “third person” question.

When telling any story, the idea is to give your reader/audience the most appropriate entry point to the characters and events being depicted. Every character represents a potential point-of-view to what happens, but even the God’s-eye view (in which the narrator may know things that none of the characters know, such as who is thinking what) requires decisions on what to highlight and when, what details to include or leave out, and how to emphasize elements to get the most connection to the reader.

Likewise in film or television, placement of the camera determines so much in how the audience will perceive the story and whether it will have the most possible impact. Sometimes you need a wide shot of the room, other times you need a shot which excludes certain details so that they may be revealed later at just the right moment.

In a very similar way, we move about our lives limited by our point-of-view. In any given situation there are often many things that we don’t see or don’t know, and we may not realize that there might be more to what’s going on than what we can perceive from where we are.

Beyond that, we perceive what we do see through filters based on things like age, education, cultural background and, yes (especially), gender.

Gender represents a distinct filter, or point-of-view, on the world. Whatever else it is, it’s at least that. More and more I’m convinced that the desire to change one’s gender (at least in my case) is as much about changing filter and point-of-view as anything else. The male hormones which course through my veins drive my perception and often determine my response to the world. I have long had a discomfort with that, and have the sense that another point-of-view is not only possible, but preferable.

Over at Susan’s Place, the subject comes up once in a while, but only rarely do I see people responding the way I feel. Recently, however, I read this by Victoria Mitchell:

“A fully masculinized brain that can be attracted to women basically can work on visual queues [sic] alone. Boobs or butts snap a guy’s eye to them like they have magnets inside. It’s just the way that a male’s attraction reflex works. In milliseconds, a guy can pick out whether he finds the woman attractive or not. …”

This is exactly one of the things I want to be rid of because it is so distracting and just plain wrong for me.

After about six or so months on HRT, the visual reflexes went away. Boobs and butts and curves and pretty faces just stopped being something that I’d notice unless they were particularly stunning in some way and, even then, it was more a ‘notice’ thing rather than an ‘attraction’ thing. Guys steadily got more and more easy to admire and girls didn’t diminish, per se, so much as the auto-objectification that a masculinized brain pulls off just disappeared (OMG YAY).”

In other words, one of the benefits of HRT is a release from this brutal filter of masculine sexuality. When I think about this idea, I find it very attractive, but also a little bit unnerving. Given that so much of my cross-gender activity is linked to my own masculine sexuality, what would happen if the latter were removed? Would I still want to transition? Would I discover that this has all been about satisfying the requirements of my masculine hormones but just in a non-traditional way?

Or would I discover, as I hope, that my point of view simply changes. Would I simply be free from the “magnets” which catch my attention now, releasing me to live a less distracted existence? Would I catch different things — things that I now miss? Would what matters to me instinctively more closely match what matters to me more deeply?

(Part me thinks that, if nothing else happened, being rid of the distractions would help my productivity improve!)